Thursday, 26 March 2009

Now That I'm Nigerianized!! 30 Commandments to....

Ndatenda, Ngiyabonga,Jeref,Obrigado, Merci,Thank You Blogville for voting for moi! No, I don't have a Naija boyfriend but hey since I've been officially Nigerianized and an award to show for it (so no be story story or small ting true talk were say Shona be the real deal o!Zimba girl fit talk like Naija babe!!) if my pidgin sucks)
Anyway, since m officially Nigerianised here are some commandments for all single females out there.... (i didn't make them just sharing so please don't crucify moi!)

30 Commandments to Marry a 9JA Man or is Bobo?

1. Thou shall NOT be a LONG TINS BABE (you know what I mean?)
2. Thou shall not lack in boobs, yansh and hips. If you must, please lack only one and find a way to make up for it.

3. Thou shall NOT be a down to earth, real or ride or die chick. I.e all those ruff, rugged and raw "tell it as it is" girls, NOT WORKING.
Fail for Shona

4. Thou shall not have dew hair (All those afro/afro-kinky "soul" sisters… FORGET IT).
Pass (err before I go to the salon then its a fail!

5. Thou shall not be a non-church goer. Ladies, for extra credit, be an usher, Sunday school aunty or PRAYER WARRIOR (This applies to other religious sects)
Well since m now a Sunday School teacher its a pass abi?

6. Thou shall not go to club to find husband... YOU GO JONZ!!
True talk...

7. Thou shall not drink hard liquor or beers. Stick to 2 glasses of wine, IF YOU MUST DRINK ALCHOHOL

LOL!!!!!!No comment...FAIL...

8. Thou shall not have un-manicured nails (It has to be French manicure acrylic nails).
Amber on this one!!

9. Thou shall not have daddy issues (victims of divorced parents and dysfunctional families … keep it to yourselves).
I love my daddy issues so err PASS

10. Thou shall not go without makeup (i.e. caked foundation, studio fix but ensure that the make up has a natural look which is purple lip liner, pink lip gloss and chocolate/natural eye shadows)
FAIL I guess coz I love my eye-colours..i mean MAC has so many so why choose the boring natural??

11. Thou shall not lack culinary skills. Perfect the art of egusi, ogbono and all variations of rice. Home Economics is in order
How can a Zimba girl like me know how to make egusi, et more? Afrobabe, Parakeet and Tigeress thank you for the lessons that are going to start now!!

12. Thou shall not be a "posh sturvs". Sushi or lasagne…uh ..Really?
As much as I love my traditional foods I FAIL DISMALLY because I heart Sushi, one of my girls used to work for Yo!Sushi and boy did I think she was sushi on legs..everytime I saw her I wanted me some sushi! And I make a mean lasagne too

13. Thou shall not knack ya head when you have a weave. Futhermore, on no account should you be caught scratching and flicking the condiments into thin air. That is simply DISGUSTING.
Fail - why would Mrs Beyonce Carter sing 'Pat ya weave girl, pat, pat, your weave' if not to show that's what we do???Abeggggg

14. Thou shall not do any strange degrees, such as development, journalism or medical genetics. Ladies, stick to law, engineering, accounting, business or pharmacy.
Technically its a pass now coz I'm doing!!

15. Thou shall not have a sense of humour or try to even be funny (note: SARCASM IS A NO NO)

16. Ultimately, thou shall not go past a first degree, maybe masters (PHD IS AN ABORMINATION)
FAIL ONCE MORE because I intend to get a PHD!!!!

17. If thou must study a masters, please please, remember to dumb down when hanging with his friends.
FAIL (And why should I let his friends think I'm dumb??)

18. Thou shall not disclose too much of yourself. You will seem needy
PASS : I never let out much anyway...

19. Thou SHALL NOT have a sex life or sexual imagination prior to meeting him. Let him "teach" you.
LMAO....FAIL!!! So no mention of HAPPY SEXING..LOL!!

20. Thou shall not listen to anything other than r'n'b or hip hop (common is pushing it). All you World music and rock chicks, NOT HAPPENING MATE).
Come on everyone shout with me FAIL!!!(Country music and co also lead to Failure!!)

21. Thou shall NOT an independent woman. (all those "I can pay my own bills" bullshit… Basically , LONG TINS). Refer to commandment one!

22. Thou shall not be opinionated or well informed (WARNING: This might come off as intimidating. Besides, no one likes a miss know it all).

23. Thou shall not go to any obscure University. Please stick to Kent, Leicester, Nottingham, and Reading. (WARNING- YOU WILL END UP ALONE).

24. Thou shall not be overly friendly. All those social butterflies and jovial. Personalities…BEWARE.

25. Thou shall not be anti-social when it comes to his family. You have to GET IN THERE FULLY.
I heart the families but.....

26. Thou shall not explore any originality when it comes to fashion. Stick to T.M Lewin, Hawes&Curtis, pointies or kitten heels, and jeans – Abortion belt always puts the icing on the cake. To complete the look, don't be seen without your thick framed rectangular glasses (YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS).
I'm sorry but I don't do obvious...FAIL with a BIG F!!!

27. Thou shall not hunt in packs (warning to girls with bossom bodies that cant be separated
Understandable but you do need a friend or 2 to hunt with

28. Thou shall NOT be loud. Keep your voice to a minimum always
HARD to do sometimes so errr FAIL

29. Thou shall not appear to be having too much fun on the dance floor. When it comes to dancing, keep it simple (Dutty winders and grinders, ITS NOT HAPPENING).
Yahooze dance, Rumba,Dombolo,Electric Slide all lead to FAIL!!

30. Thou shall not think about breaking this next commandment. The ULTIMATE, IF NOT YOU ARE FINISHED....It Will be an OYO STATE (on you own) FOR YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.....LADIES PLEASE PLEASE AND PLEASE DO NOT GO TO THE BEDROOM WITH ANY WRAPPER, NIGHT SHIRT, WHITE TOP GEL OR SHELLY ON YOUR FACE. If you must Do all the above, LADIES, BURN THOSE GOLD AND BLACK HAIR NETS. Girls, we are all guilty of owning a hair net or 2.Girls, we are all guilty of owning a hair net or 2. And we know that all the commandments before suggests that you must be a babe on POINT constantly. You have to FIND A WAY TO WORK AROUND THIS HAIR NET ISSUES. Statistics dictates that one in two marriages FAIL due to this.
OYO STATE I dey reside!!

Conclusion is I have only about 7 passes..LOL!!I'm hoping most guys don't work with them rules anyways...

Happy sexing to you all my Blogville family!!Thank You for Voting for me!!


Tigeress said...

i'm not gonna bother cos i know i aint first. Anyway it was nice speaking to you yesterday :) U are such a sweetheart.

lol@ ur blog. I thot of posting it on my blog too. But thanks for ffwd to my FB inbox. based on the list- i sure do not qualify. I had better look for oyinbo husband. lol!!

ShonaVixen said...

O ye of little faith!!!! You ARE first my dear!!!
It was nice speaking to you too hon..wiv your Americana accent!!!!!

Tigeress said...


London gal (man snatcher- these spring chikens of now a day no get fear anymore), Temite in your face!!!! I'm first! LOL!!

I learnt a word from Smaradg- Blogtwinny- i like!! Apparently her blog twin is Ibiluv. :)

Yeh i need come back to the UK for a bit so i can get back my British accent. Dont like sounding American.

Speaking of twinny, August is fast approaching. Open to doing something together? I actually have a wedding on the 28th.

Nefertiti said...

LMAO! I guess no Naija BFs for you, Shona!

Don't mind that list jor, I do not qualify either, and guess what? I'm married to hot-as-fyahhhhh naija brova. Bone these long tins jor!

ShonaVixen said...

@ Tigeress - The spring chickens need to be shown their place no?..LOL!!!
Yeah still open to doing somthing girl though keep changing my mind, a friend suggested Saint Tropez now its either ATL, Dubai or St Tropez..And where's the wedding??You know you can meet some1 at a wedding too??*wink*wink*

Bondgirl said...

Iwe how can you fail so dismally? Lagos has shown you the true path of a good wifey ahn ahn...iwe with your spirited Zimboness!

Laughing at the weave item China...I always pat my weave nhai its part of who we are! Its what separates us from the white girls these days. lol no offence to the vanilla ladies out there!

ShonaVixen said...

Imagine m here checking where Confessions is and chatting to my BLOGTWINNY when I have to draft the Company's Strategic plan for the next 3 years..LOL!!

Tigeress said...

I know! Londond gal is MIA. I dont know if i shld be worried.

The wedding is in London. But i'll suggest ATL cos its a stone throw for me and that means we can party here and party in London. I have an uncle we can stay with in ATL. If not i have good hotel hook-ups like $40 per nite.

Now go and finish off your work! :):)

Funms-the rebirth said...

lmao........... Shona!!!!!!!!! ur now a nigerian....... off to tell my brothers

RocNaija said...

Lmao... While I don't agree with some points on here..

I gotta say I know loads of people that should have this in their pocket books!!

~Sirius~ said...

Just now, just now, ehn!
I came here and there was no one.........*hiss!

I'm so sorry for you Shona, your fellow Zimbabweans may not recognize you again.

Ngiyabonga- my boss says this to me everyday...he's from Zim too.

ShonaVixen said...

@Neffie - LOL!!Yes no Naija for me getting 7/30 = 23%..OMG I've never ever had less that 55% in ma life WTH...LOL!!! So Neffie does your hubby have brothas, cousins, friends, uncles...LOL!!!

@Bondgirl - Sha-a DISMALLY is the word..LOL!!! Patting our weave is just US nhai...I remember almost doing it at a meeting and then going ooops can't do that..LOL!!

@Tigeress - I wonder where London's gone to..maybe nursing Scribble or somthing..LOL!!
Me likey that itinerary partying in ATL and then London too!! And the $40 hook-up wouldn't be a problem too...ok need to check my days off..LOL!!

@Funms - Yes o my sister...and err those brothers of yours - give them my!!!

@Sir Roc - Glad you don't agree with all of it!!..LOL..Hmmm so you know some people who need this??Why oh why??

Bibi said...

Lmbao. Oh mi God. I can't blieve ur not Nigerian. If ur not, u been hanging wit one too many nigerians. lol Some of those rules are true laws, some of them make me go "WTF" but you gat the rite idea though. U funny. lol

Confessions of a London gal said...

Tigresssssssss- You dey call me man snatcher?! no be ur man kon pay my bride price? I dint evn know about it- it was arranged marriage oooo!!!!

Confessions of a London gal said...

Guuuurrrrrl!!!! You are such a Nigerian!!! If i eva catch u with a non Nigerian man, u go hear wen!

How come u are looking for me? I have been posting regularly now! Abi 1 post a week no do you??!! Lol

Omo Oba said...

Ndeipi SV (the only shona word i know)! Your pidgin is not lacking at all o. In fact, i am rada impressed at a Zim chica like u...I mean, u need to teach me some shona. I failed hopelessly at this too but whareva man, I feel this rules apply to the older genereation of Nigerians...more like my grandfather's time.

Anonymous said...

haha!!..first time here nd i love your blog!! u speak better pidgin than i do as a naija babe..;)

ShonaVixen said...

@Bibi - Lemme just say I didn't make those commandments, got them on FB from my Naija guy friend..

@Confessions - and I shall come not only for baking lessons but also some Naija cooking recipes then??Thank you!! I was looking for you on the comment page not your blog were not here to scream first!!

@Omo - Ndeipi sha!! U know what, you teach me a Naija language and I teach you Shona...DEAL!!..Hey I think those commandments were thought up by a guy who wanted to 'justify' his player status

H2O-works said...

LOL...7 out of 30...I actually did not realize u were not Nigerian...I wud have figured it out if I had only taken time to read ur past blogs since my first stop here but I didn' just gets hard reading thru pples archives with the amount of new stuff that keeps coming...Anyways congratulations on ur honorary naija status...


PS: I just took a lil peep at some of old stuff and I see the Vixen in u...I just wonder, how did the Vixen become a Sunday School teacher..:)

Gourmet Truffle said...

lol @ becoming Nigerianized. you're right, when it comes to fashion we just stick to mainstream. Don't know why!

And yes, we push it with the caked on make-up. Somebody help! We just love to look fab...our tragic flaw.

Vimbai said...

Shona, you have murdered me! Here i am sitting out at a client and one of my colleagues is a good old Naija boy and i am running him by all the rules and he's agreeing with most of them.

Emphasis on being a big church goer, lol.

wordmerchant said...

Haba!!! so this is why all my nja boyfie's left me!!!!!! lol!

I failed 99.9999999999%...

I think i berra look for zim, gambian, camerounean, ghanian...infact the rest of the african continent because i no able carry these commandments heheheheh

Shona made me laugh me head off, now my boss thinks i am skiving!...ok i am actually skiving but now he knows, chei!

wordmerchant said...

Congratulations on the totally deserve it xxx

Now that you have must buy nigerian cake i.e bean cake and some jollof rice for us to chop :)

Hadassah said...

Maiwe! Maiwe! Makorokoto! lololol

Shantell said...

LOLOLOLL ...awww i like..
didn't know u weren't a nija babe.
Oh nd congrats on ur award ma!

Buttercup said...

congrats on ur win hon..

hehehehehe this is serious stereotyping, ahnahn!

lol @ ur responses!

Sexkitten said...

LOL. Now I know to stay away from Naija men. It wouldn't work.

LUMIDEE said...

Three gbosas for you...!!!

Parakeet said... dear, that was a apt description of the expectations of most Nigerian men in London at least. And they themselves dont even measure up to half. God help us.

So girl what are we doing with Funms when she comes down?

Afrobabe said...

lol....I failed most of them to.
Better start looking for a zim husband...

Tairebabs said...

Read your note on facebook. Too funny. I am guilty of so many of the above kia..

Yes Shona, you are our adopted naija sister.

ShonaVixen said...

@H2O - hmmmm how did a Vixen become a Sunday School teacher...heeey its all about being a lady in the streets..u know the rest right ;)...and thanks to all those who've made me a honorary

@Gourmet - thank u darling!!Not to say sticking to the mainstream is bad, even most Zim girls do that as well!!And yes my future sister-in-laws are just as fabulous!!!!!

@Vimbai - aaah sha-a inga!!when I read it the first time I was laughing HARD coz it was a Naija guy who'd put up the note specifically for me coz apparently me n him are getting married this!!And yup they do love the church goers so i think i've got my green card for that one!!

@Wordmerchant - Jerejef my darling!!Hmmm my sista i think so too coz I can't keep up with those commandments as you can see i failed DISMALLY!!!Ok so this Nigerian cake, can't Afro make it and then when Funms comes over we have it for lunch????and u make some Gambian food??

@Hadassah - aaah sha waita

@Shantell - thank you ma!!!yup m a fully fledged proud Zim chicka who loves every African!!!

ShonaVixen said...

@Buttercup - thanx hon and really i mean thanx u've been great to Shona from when I started so thank you boo xxxx

@Sexkitten - Aint that right hon!!!

@Lumidee - Sorry o me no understand!

@Parakeet - such a sad fact aint it my darling??Ooooh so Funms is coming over...well lets organise a London Bloggers-ish kinda thing wiv those who want to come a lunch or something?or an activity...yeah we could definitely do somthing fun!! when is she coming over?Lets chat!!

@Afro - My dear even YOU who will teach me???Shame I don't have any eligible Zim guys to hook u up wiv!!

@Tairebabs - Wow I've been graced by YOU!!!Girl, you were there when I had a few comments and so to you I say THANK YOU VERY MUCH & WELL u know you're my Naija sis!!Loves ya xxx

Rita said...

lol...Shona!!! Your pidgin is even better than mine...

First of all, congrats for the award. I am so so happy you won that one...

As for ur ambers, what do you plan to do with them? Although 9 out of 30 is still not pass...

Funms-the rebirth said...

hey sweetie, im coming tomorrow and will be around for 3 weeks.... i'd send u an email now

ShonaVixen said...

@Rita - LOL!!Those ambers I have feeling would turn red and not!!!9/30 is so deplorable!!

@Funms - Yeah girl send me an email and we can hook up me, u , n Parakeet!!

Naughty Eyes said...

Hey! Whoever wrote these commandments?
The stereotyping is annoying, believe me! Funny thing is, I don't think I'd go for a chica who got a pass score in this. Ironic but true...
And I never could figure it out but what's with the whole female/Ph.D issue? My future wife is going to get hers and more if she wants!
Congrats on the award and don't believe this crap. You've sure got Naija men falling all over you, I can assure you that...

[***Fresh&Fab***] said...

Thou shall not be a "posh sturvs".

haha, i laughed so hard, this was a fantastic read


hahaha! I think I would fail far too many of those to even try

O'Dee said...

Congrats on your award.

If you do have a 9ja BF, I am sure he will love you with the 7 passes. Even we 9ja women dint pass all 30.

*Diane* said...

lmao!! priceless...does it mean i'm too americanized since i didn't get up to half marks on these commandments?

Ms Sula said...

That was too funny!!

At long last, I figured out why it didn't work out with my Nigerian boyfriend... I probably only had like 4 or 5 PASS! Lol!!!

ManCee said...

You could very easily pass for a 'naija chic', your 'broken' isn't too bad.
Would loooove to actually hear you say the words (with the Zim accent tho).
Per the commandments, God knows I like a lotta full blooded naija bobos love a sista looking good 24/7...constant turn on.
However, you quickly learn this aint the case ad you add some to ur 'compromise list'

Angel said...

Speechless hun!


blogoratti said...

Hilarious. Not bad!

Aphrodite said...

Crazy rules!
Dem never serious,lol...

Anonymous said... analysis yet to be vetted *wrong* (oops,...).

No masters ke, what means thee? You better get the Ph.D if you can.


For me, NO Nigerianized, natural born Naija, or Zimba Women. Too much wahala. I prefer chicks from Afghanistan or Mars.

Emeka Amakeze said...

Ada di mma, dalu. Let me Igbonize you as you have now officially been declared a Nigerian

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

I soooooooo agree with the 'dont be loud in public commandment' but for BOTH sexes. I cant stand people who are overly loud it just comes across as soo uncouth/uncultured. You are in a cocktails bar and you hear this girl/boy going haw haw haw haw haw on top of his/her voice its just so wrong, I will be thinking what the heck is that funny? Sometimes you can see everyone in the bar turning to look. So yeah sometimes some people need to tone it a notch down.

kay-shawn said...

Wow! Seven out of thirty is F9 in Nigeria. Dont worry, not all of us judge women by such bizzare standards. "It doesn't matter where you come from, as far as you're a black woman."

Writefreak said...

Congrats on your award Shona, you truly deserve it!

Now you're a honorary Nigerian...come to think of it, i thought i had you on my blog list, adding you sharpish!

Have a nice week ahead!

Kafo said...

oh my word this is sooooooooooooo funny

fo real
i think i fail a couple myself

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Babe i'm sure your mojo hasn't gone anywhere. It's just on vacation:-)
Congratulations on your award!!!
And based on that list, no 9ja man for me cuz I have offended
PS: I love that Mary Mary song, 'God in Me'...infact you just made my sunday morning upbeat:-)


Shona: do we have to send a rescue party to sniff you out or something? Update!

He Says..© said...

Lmao! You failed woefully on that one babe. Don't worry, not all guys follow those commandments so you're safe. I sawear if you didn't mention you weren't Nigerian, I wouldn't have known. I love your blog by the way and I'll be sure to keep an eye out for your mojo.

doll said...

so hard to believe you are not Nigerian