Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Bi*** What Did You Just Say???

What did you just say biiiiatch??? That if I’m from Zimbabwe then I’m South African?? OOOOh insert head twisting, eye-rolling, finger shaking ghetto stance here…Oh hell naw bi**** I’m Zimbabwean!!! Yes, Zimbabwean, not Zambian, not South African but Zimbabwean!! Yes I’m SOUTHERN AFRICAN too, that’s why when I meet a Mozambican we relate, I know to call my friend from Botswana a Motswana not Botswanian, I argue with Kooks about how they claim our Victoria Falls..because we relate BUT still my home is Zimbabwe, the last country alphabetically that is…a beautiful nation! I can click when I speak Ndebele, I’ll switch to my perfect no accent Shona language too!! But don’t dare call me outside my nationality, MNXIII(kissing my teeth Southern style!)…I’ll never ever be ashamed of where I was born and raised! I’m from a people that will say ‘Serious’ to make emphasis on their statement.

I’m part of a people who say ‘ekse’ when they mean ‘friend’. ‘Iwe’ is the name of every unknown and known person. She or he could be a friend or a foe.

We are Southern African and when we say SADC we are talking of links forged through years of connections through more than roads, bridges, borders, lakes and deserts.

We call dumplings ‘fat cooks’, we say 'chips' for what you might crisps!

We made toy cars out of wires! And they was the silver and copper wires..see the tourists flock to buy the works of young kids!

We made balls out of newspapers and shopping bags – and don’t get it twisted not that the parents couldn’t afford the real ball..but these were just better!! Better for aim, better to knock out your opponent, better for durability.

To us BBQ or braai as we call it doesn’t mean just burgers and sausages…nope it means meat(goat, lamb, gizzards et more), chicken, sardines, boerwors, beers, and more beers and did I say loads of meat, mayonnaise with added spicing???Yup…otherwise we call that a drink-up with snacks not a bbq! Do not judge our hospitality skills because we only buy drinks when visitors come and to us there are only two types of salad coleslaw and coleslaw. Dont judge us because we see rice and chicken and we think of Christmas dinner with the relatives.

And yes no matter how educated we can be we are still allowed to think that Coca-cola is the generic name for all soft drinks, Cobra for all floor polish, Surf for all washing powder & Colgate for all toothpaste and Jik for bleach. We know what we are talking about that is what matters.

We are practical people with practical knowledge. We know how to fit 10 people into a fiat or Peugeot 504, if tomato, onion and cooking oil are the only things in the pantry we can be make into a gravy for our sadza, pap or nshima. We are wonderfully scarred by climbing guava, mango and baobab trees.

We are respectful to our parents and elders...the lower we kneel in greeting the greater the respect we have. We call our dads ‘Mudhara’ ‘Muzala’ (old man) when talking to our friends and siblings. Saturday mornings have us washing the cars with the hose-pipe, and yes waterfights are actually fun! Watering the garden with the hose-pipe isn’t a chore but fun! The hose-pipe could also be used as a disciplinary tool…yup multi-fuctional!!

So what when we give directions some might say "keep going straight, till you reach the fourth house near the big tree and refuse right, corn left at the robots" we still get what the person is saying and normally get there better than any navigation system you paid for. So what when telling the taxi driver where to drop us we say 'By the gum tree' or 'After hump'?He knows the area too maybe not the street name but tell him the landmark, nearest tree or even the family name he'll get you there!!
Steps to us don't mean just ordinary 1,2, 3 flights of stairs. No when we hear steps we think weddings and RHUMBA!!! A wedding is incomplete to us without this essential even when we go to other non-Southern weddings we are still wishing they did 'maSteps'! The electric slide is done ‘our way’, when ‘gidha’ (get down) we do it well..and even guests will join in, getting the 'steps' and some to a this video out!

And you may laugh at the names like Fortune, Wisdom, Praise, Passion, Pride but we were innovators before celebrities started naming their kids apple and pixie.

South Africa is where rooibos tea comes from...SOUTHERN AFRICA is where the BANTU people come from...we are all children of the Bantu expansion we traipsed through veld, savanna, okavango to settle in Malawi, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Lesotho, Swaziland, Angola, Namibia, South Africa...WE ARE SOUTHERN AFRICA DHEMMIT!

Thanks to my girls Kooks and Non-Non for helping with this post!! Wordmerchant will tell you how I wore my vexed face when this chick made me South African by default!! Blogville I'll be gone for a while, will I return, I doubt as I've got a severe case of Bloggaria

PS: I love you all, take care of yourselves and as always Happy Sexing xoxo


Non-non said...

FIRST!!!!!! Am i?

That post was full of passion - totally understood by your homegirl. Serious! - am proud to be Zimbo too.
Heeee, LMAO @ multifunction of a hose pipe.

And YES shona, you will be back - not because u choose to, but its your duty to ya fella bloggers, abi? :) L8rs exe!

~Sirius~ said...

I hear you loud and Clear!!!!
No wonder you were Nigerianized.
Both countries have a lot in common........especially directions!!! (a blue gate, opposite a petrol staion) and dancing at wedding!

Glad to have you back!

scribble, said...

snap SNAP!!

Robyn said...

some patriotism.
UMMM i love

ShonaVixen said...

@Non-non - Sometimes you have to pass on the baton, move on to greater things, so hon m handing over the Blogville baton to sisi proud handitika!!

@Sirius - yeah we have a lot in common!! Don't know if m back though hon!!

@ScribbleMeFree - U know!!!..LOL...

@Robyn - Yup m happy to be from where I'm from would never ever change it!! And thank you very much!!

Anonymous said...

Bum bum H...from 2day I'm from more!! Wow..lemme go read this post again..***PASSION****

N.I.M.M.O said...

Somebody must have really annoyed you for us to have this beautiful piece.

Maybe the person should do it more often. LOL.

wordmerchant said...

oh no!! am not first!!..chei these people are quick..ok going off to read

wordmerchant said...

lmao!!! girl you cracked me up
lol@"keep going straight, till you reach the fourth house near the big tree and refuse right, corn left at the robots"...that is as african as it gets.

As for the chick, i wanted to beat her for you, ignorance is not a good thing to indulge in. Can you imagine the cheek and she was actually baffled that people from Zimbabwe are Zimbabweans!!

I can vouch for the bbq ooo...the best i have tasted all my adult life. Mehn me sef, i love to chop meat too much lol!

As for the bloggaria, my darling i feel you on that, i don tire.

Tigeress said...

that right there was just plain ignorance. I'm Yoruba but it irks me when my people imply everybody who isnt Hausa or Yoruba is automatically Igbo. And they say it without any shame- only if they new how ignorant they sound.

Well thanks for schooling us Shona. :)

Omo Oba said...

i cover my face in shame... i have learned. motswana or batswana, never botswanian. TAKEN.

Omo Oba said...

loved this post. fierce! passion! pride! thats what i am talking about. We salute SOUTHERN AFRICA (tips imaginary hat).

Funms-the rebirth said...

someone has ticked Ms Shona off!!!!!!
u go gurl, Be proud of where you are from!! this post is so paasionate that i wish i was from ZImbabwe right now......

ShonaVixen said...

@Anonymous - LMHO...I'll get you ready for the Zim initiation then!!..LOL!! Yup, m passionate when it comes to my homeland, my culture for its the core of me!!

@NIMMO - Oi what you saying about my other pieces??Easy!!

@Wordmerchant - and to think you got a heads up...tut tut!..LOL..Girl that 'oyinbo-in-denial' almost got her lace-front yanked out...mnxxiiiii...where it not that it was Jay's bday, I'd have slapped her into next week!!
Tell them dearie about the bbq i hosted..tell them..LOL!!

@Tigeress - who ever said ignorance is bliss sure as hell lied A WHOLE LOT!! Nothing blissful about it @ all!!!
U're welcome hon!!!xxx

@Omo Oba - Girl, glad u learnt it coz if you were to met one of my friends who is touchy about being called Botswanian u'd get yup this is passion filled coz Southern is where we are from & thanks to Kooks who helped a lot wiv this as well!!!

@Funms - Awwww girlie, you're now an Honorary Zimbabwean from this yeah chick did tick me off!!


H2O-works said...

Dat's wats the passion that comes with this, the vixen in u comes out in more than just ur sexy

It is amazing how much Zimbabwe has in common with Nigeria...that direction one just cracks me the hell up...sadly I dont have any Zimbabwean friends..:(

Was that Malaika playing at the wedding? I love those guys..and the dancing was fun too..:)

ShonaVixen said...

@H20 - Why thank u very much, yeah unleashing the vixen...yeah the Southern parts n Western parts of our motherland have similarities for sure..
Yep thats Malaika's 2Bobo loves the, too!!! and as for the steps..heeyy they're getting!!

mizchif said...

I thank God for this biatch!!! At least she got u riled enuff to put up a post.

The vid really made me smile. Loved the steps. I'd love to learn more african music tho.

mizchif said...

Please i don't like all dis blogarria talk oh! Better do and come back!

MyOwnThINg said...

This is so interesting. I'm so considering adopting Zim nationality...just a thought!! Well done telling those dull minded peeps to go get some lessons. Nice post!!

ShonaVixen said...

@Mizchif - Lol!!Lol!! Yeah the biatch made me u liked the video, i smiled when i so it!!

@MyOwnThing - You can also be an Honorary Zimbabwean...u should like your new adopted status..LOL..Thank you!!

JoanPeck said...

Point taken! Hope I don't go making that kind of mistake some day. Lol!
I like the 'insert ghetto attitude' part. I could actually see you snapping and rolling...
You go, gurl! Luv ya! (Hugs and kisses)

Trybes said...


Tairebabs said...

awww Shona, what a passionate post. Lovely. I really enjoyed reading it. Became very good friends with someone from Zimbabwe last year and he is so proud to be from your country. I love meat ....any kind of meat...spicy too. I must email this post to him. Loved the wedding video. That dance is so cool. You must teach me someday!

lol@ hose pipe being multifunctional

P.S. a lot of people are's like when we say we are African they say you are From AFRICA as though Africa is a country. Pisses me off sometimes

Tairebabs said...

Please don't stay away from blogville too long. I for one will miss you!

Sugabelly said...

You are going to hate me forever now:

I had always thought you were Nigerian.


Vimbai said...

Girl you had me howling in laughter, great post! Zim directions are like no other, "ramba makadaro, REFUSE to turn."

As for that ignorant chick, hope you bought her an atlas or something!

LOL, reminds me of holiday visit to Durban back in 1996. My family and I went into a shop, the Indian shopkeeper asked where we were from and we told him and he looked us straight in the eye and asked, "Where's Zimbabwe, is that a farm?" - WEAK!

LusciousRon said...

Soo many similarities with Naija. Don't mind people who stereotype you. It just shows their ignorance. if you don't know why not ask.

Don't be away for too long!

ShonaVixen said...

@JoanPeck - LOL!! Yeah at least i've given u a lesson hey?..LOL..Lurvs ya tooo xoxo

@Trybes - Thank you

@Tairebabs - Yes please email it to him and m sure he'll even add more!The spicier the meat, the better ay???I've got a thing for suya!!
Yeah that dance is like a MUST for all weddings..LOL!! So i will teach you hon..
Girl funny you mention ignorance..this guy on The Apprentice wrote on his cv 'I can bring ignorance to the table'!!!..SMH...

Yeah girl you've been with me since the beginning so i know you'd miss me..xxxx

@Sugabelly - Sigh..I got that a lot here on Blogville, nah I rep Zimbabwe!! Don't hate u though coz you're part of many who thought like that!!

@Vimbai - If it wasnt for Mugabe they'd still have no idea where Zimbabwe is...scratch that they probably think its Mugabe's farm and people!! Say Zimbabwe and they say Mugabe...*blank stare*

@LusciousRon - You are so right!!!

LovePaprika said...

you cannot have bloggaria not now that I just got back!!! shona!!!

mehn I was really digging the dance in that video! think I am going to learn how to dance it lol I am can be very 'busy' lol

Tyger said...

your post is a beautiful, passionate post which those shows that you are Zimbabwean, Southern African also shows that you are totally African and let me tell you that makes me so so proud.

I am from west africa and i can still relate with over 80% of the things in your story.

This is the best century to be young, black and african!

atta girl

Parakeet said...

This has got to be your post that I love the most. Been laffing especially at some of the similarities I picked up with Nija culture. AFRICANS RULE!

So where are you going to madam?

Afrobabe said...

Hahahahahhahaha at coleslaw and coleslaw…I still know only that one…force myself to eat the others…

Lmao @ names like Fortune, Wisdom, Praise, Passion, Pride, girlfriend you go kill me oh…haba.
So, we all are leaving blogville at the same time…hehehhehehe…almost like we planned it…its been fun!

Third World Profashional said...

DAYUM!! That was passionate, all hail Zimbabwe!

Anonymous said...

lol funny in naija too we call all bleach JIK!!!

Super star! said...

Ko where are you going, chitekete?

ShonaVixen said...

@LovePaprika - Heyyy!!!Well I guess its like musical chairs n I've left my seat to ya??!! Yeah m sure you'll get that dance in a

@Tyger - Aint that the truth!! Its definitely a great time to be young, black and AFRICAN!!!

@Parakeet - Lets just say m thinking of more challenging things beyond blogville and those need my attention!! et heeey just not feeling this space no more...but you know where to find me ;) I have to say Kooks helped ALOT wiv this post!!

@Afro - Girl there are more names like Tellmore, Talkmore, Lovemore, Kissmore...shuuuu if i go to those ending wiv 'more' it will be a LONG POST!!
Yeah they're going to think that we planned this..LOL...aaah at least now we can hang out and not worry about blogging about it!!!(hmmm is it correct to have 2 abouts in one sentence???)

@ThirdWorld - Hey luvvie!!!! Yes all hail ZIMBABWE!!!!

@PinkSatin - LOL!! I think we all used the same products!!..LOL!!

@Superstar! - LMHO!!!! Where have you been dearest one???Sha-a only you can use the word 'chitekete'...LOL!! Thanks sha-a i needed the laughter..i'll be around @ Vee's though saka ndokubata ikoko handitika? ;)

mr luvable said...

we also say soup meaning gravy. lol . wat the hell did she actually say to you girl.
Please don`t go sis

mr luvable said...

we also say soup meaning gravy. lol . wat the hell did she actually say to you girl.
Please don`t go sis

Anonymous said...

loads of luv from zambia!! i can relate to everything u said right there...southern african KICKS ASS.PERIOD.

Nefertiti said...

oh-oh Shona took them heifers to school (snap snap!) So much in common with Nigerians, so much.

Anonymous said...

such a great post

shame u doing a disappering effect

take care

Shubby Doo said... tell am girl...u know what i like about u...u always take the time to inform no matter how pissed u are...kudos shona

ShonaVixen said...

@Mr Luvable - actually its called 'sumu'...LOL!!!! She made me South African by default, she said it doesnt sound right to say anyway I also have a South African accent so really I should be a Saffa!! IMAGINE!!!..
Hey who know maybe m a Jay-Z retirement..*NEVER HAPPENS*..LOL!!!

@Anonymous - I love Zambia and its peeps! And yup SOUTHERN AFRICANS kick ass!! Some-one just reminded me of our history and its solidarity..the way the leaders stood by Bob..they moaned but still stood by him, because of our history!!

@Nefi - Yup sometimes these ignant..yup ignant not ignorant folks need to be schooled!!
Yeah guess Africans as a whole have a lot of things in common!!

@Anonymous - Thank you! Yup, time to take a bow..move on to greater things..but m sure I'll be back one day!!

@Shubby - Why thank you very much hon!! Hopefully u're going to bring me my had to remind ya!
Funny you should say no matter how angry i get, i still school folks coz my friend just told me this morning..LOL!!

wordmerchant said...

girl i love ur playlist...been coming here just for it!!

tobenna said...

Representing ZIM!
Way to go girl.
You click when you speak Ndebele?
Woah. I've always wanted to do that :)
No doubt girl.
ZIM is beautiful.
Argualbly one of the best :P

ShonaVixen said...

@Wordmerchant - Thank you very much gurl, I always update it cz I know Kooks sometimes passes by as well!! I'll keep pleasing..BTW cant wait for Sunday!!!!

@Tobenna - yeah I can ask is CELA and that's a click..LOL! And yes, you are right Tobenna, Zim is beautiful place et we returned your cell phone to you right?!!

Vera Ezimora said...

LOL. Babe, we don suffer ooo. The misconceptions are unbelievable. Have you been asked if you "speak African?" Have you been asked the color of the African flag? Have you been asked if you ride on lions in your country, live on trees, and walk around naked? Mmmm

Lol @ those directions. I had a Cameroonian woman here give me directions like that and I couldn't stop laughing. Made me miss home. She told me to go straighttttt, then I would see a big tree. When I see the tree, I would make a left. She couldn't gimme a street name or anything, and that was where she lived! LOL. This was a new city 4 me (had no clue where I was going, and I was so pissed to find out there was more than one big tree!)

Gotta love my African folks.

Anonymous said...

wow...well I guess you told them. I love the vid...and never be ashamed of where your from.

hey where you been...?


SHONA VIXEN! So where am I gon see your Booty? cos i keep hearing ur Booty on ur utube thing lol... Hope u are doing great. Stay fine

Anonymous said...

1st time here and i am loving it. Stand up for your origin...
@ Robyn i seem to find you everywhere

Emilia said...

Hesi mudiwa sorry for the silence it has been a lot but I really missed you lots...

ShonaVixen said...

@Vera - LOL!!Girl, the you're speaking African gets to me BIG time!!sigh..but gots to love African folks!!

@Oyin - Yup always be proud of your roots!! I'm around just not blogging but still visiting your spot! xx

@TheSexyPicturesAreTalking - M doing good hon, hope you are well too! As for seeing my booty..*blush*blush*...and batting

@BeSilent - Thank you hon!!

@Emilia - Hesi dhiya!! Sha-a i missed you sooooooooooooooo much!! Glad you're back!! It had been months and months sha-a!!! Yay, my gurl is back!! Rega ndimbotamba pansula!!Yay!! xxxxxx

Anonymous said...

That post was fierce Shona!!You made me homesick- I even had to brave your blog (which always freezes my stresssed out/dying computer and then nowadays asks it to log onto twitter!!)and leave my books to tell you!

And .....don't go....please? :(

If you must go don't be a stranger!

NigerianDramaQueen said...

That's right babe!
Tell it like it is. Heard you loud and clear. Your wrote this so beautifully and passionately. Rep the Zim to the fullest!

NigerianDramaQueen said...

That's right babe!
Tell it like it is. Heard you loud and clear. Your wrote this so beautifully and passionately. Rep the Zim to the fullest!

Angel said...

I loved this post, lots of passion and I loved hearing about SA, Zim and all the other places.

Cant wait to visit one day.

teebay said...

lol.. shona
can i b Zimbabwean too???



Hadassah said...

Oh man this is a good post.I mean alot of Zim people here in Canada mention that they are south africans and you relly wonder what the heck are they thinking really!? it makes me so mad.

I am just gonna boast a little I am going to attend a Zim wedding a week from now and I can't wait. The steps are just wicked!

The poets voice ~~~ said...

definitely repping your hood!! me likes this a lot..
you gotta show mercy to the girl though....she probably meant southern african and not from the country 'south africa'.....

You are the second zimgerian(zimbabwan-nigerian) I know
the first being my good friend, N..
and i love the zim electric slide, the african flavour takes it a step further.

Anonymous said...

nice hun miss you....

please change your links to my blog to

Emeka Amakeze said...

I am so so in love with this post and it truely reminds me of home. I refuse to accept that this post was done out of annoyance or because someone pissed Shona off. Its essence transcends that such excuses. Its straight from the heart that loves home.

chayoma said...

i love those fat cooks! lol

Izzy said...

Enjoyed the post! And, "No matter how educated we can be we are still allowed to think that Coca-cola is the generic name for all soft drinks" -- it's a USA thing too! :-)

Angel said...

I want a new post!!!!

doll said...

very educative